Nerd Movie Preview: Summer 2008

[TheCC Staff]

It’s Getting Hot Outside, and Movies are Always Air Conditioned
by Alan Noah (http://alannoah.com)

June 6th, 2008 - I have made it no secret that I was disappointed by Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But that’s all right – there are still plenty of other movies coming out this summer that I am just itching to see. They might not all live up to the hype, but the optimist in me needs something to believe in. Anyway, below are the remaining Nerd Movies (that’s a compliment, just in case you were wondering) set to grace theaters this summer, starting with my most highly anticipated, and working my way down from there.



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[Zombiezeus]

First things first:

Indiana Jones 4 was fun. Stupid, not as good as the first three (ok, probably better than Temple), but fun. And that's all I needed.

Now, then. My responses, including where/how I intend on watching them. Seeing it in the Theater is best, Yelling at Alan for even including it is the worst. Obviously.

The Dark Knight--this is going to be good. Really, almost-review-killingly good. Because it's going to do so many things differently than other comic book movies (ala Batman Begins) that it's going to be in a rarefied class all its own. So far, it looks so good and solid that 'comic book movie' doesn't fit. We'll see, though.

Pre-Review: THEATER

Star Wars: The Clone Wars--this is smart, from a soulless corporate money-grabbing standpoint, which I appreciate. But seriously? The fact that he's said that the ass-kicking Genndy Tartovsky Clone Wars cartoons were suddenly not canon because the Jedi were TOO AWESOME means that this is going to, by definition, pale in comparison. And to that I say, fuck you very much, Lucas. You should shut your beard hole, sit back, and let people with talent take your sometimes-good ideas and make them awesome. Because that's when they're executed best. Cases in point: Empire Strikes Back and the original Indiana Jones trilogy. I love Star Wars. But this is just too fucking much. To paraphrase: "We can't stop here. This is Ewoks Country."

Pre-Review: WAIT FOR IT ON TV

X-Files 2: I Want To Care. Really, I do. I even tried watching some of the first season recently, because I summarily ignored it when it was on air. And I was thoroughly unimpressed. I guess it did bring a lot of new ideas to TV in terms of the weird/sci-fi-in-the-real-world end of things, but aside from that...meh. And I saw the first movie in the theaters because a friend of mine wanted to and, again, unimpressed. So far I'm seeing no reason to see this in the theater.

Pre-Review: POSSIBLE RENTAL

Hancock-I hear this is going to get serious at some point. If they had made a balls-to-the-wall superhero-as-asshole comedy, then we're talking. But pathos? Leave that to Revenge-Dancin' Spider-Man, please. And leave it far away from me.

Pre-Review: RENTAL

Tropic Thunder--this is one of those movies that feels like someone rooted around in my brain and put together a movie I would've never imagined wanting to see, but now it makes so much sense that I can't believe I didn't think of it before. Looks so, so, good and I've got nothing but high hopes. I mean--NICK NOLTE!

Pre-Review: THEATER **BONUS: WITH FIANCE**

Hellboy 2--what part of this doesn't rock? None. None part of this doesn't rock.

Pre-Review: THEATER

Pineapple Express--Not sure how this qualifies as a Geek Movie. And these ARE Geek Movies, by the way. Not Nerd Movies. Nerd movies are fucking powerpoint presentations about the Parbolic Curvature of Unique Number Systems In N Space or some shit. But I'm going to write a little article on that soon. ANYhoo--Pineapple Express a geek movie? Why, exactly? EXPLAIN YOURSELF! Also, it looks pretty frigging funny to me.

Pre-Review: MOST LIKELY THEATER, BUT NOT A PRIORITY

Wall-E: Yeah, this qualifies as Geek Movie. And it's going to kick ass. Because Pixar rarely drops the ball, except for Cars, which I swore was a ploy for them to make a bomb so that Disney would drop them, but then fucking rednecks who thought their Nascars had come to life went and saw it in droves, and now they're making a sequel and I'm not so sure anymore. ANYhoo, this is going to kick ass and probably make me cry or something because they're JUST THAT POWERFUL.

Pre-Review: THEATER **BONUS: WITH FIANCE**

The Incredible Hulk--what kind of fucking geek are you? I don't care if The Incredible Hulk is taking a huge green shit on a gamma-irradiated poodle for two hours (which many of you consider to be the entirety of the Ang Lee version), you see this in the theaters. It's the FUCKING HULK. And finally, he's going to PUNCH THINGS IN THE HEAD. What more do you want? Daddy issues? Though they really should have dropped Liv "Has Daddy's Lips" Tyler and kept Jennifer "Oh My Dear Sweet Jesus How HOT" Connelly.

Pre-Review: THEATER

Wanted--A little bird told me you didn't even want to include this on the list. I'm sorry, are there not enough teddy bears with pointy sticks in it to interest you? It's people shooting shit in incredibly cool ways. I'm not even seeing this for Angelina "Honestly I'm Kind Of Over Her But Will Still Gladly Watch Her Disrobe" Jolie, I'm seeing this because bullets go where the characters want them to, and that's...y'know. That's cool. I'm not equating it to the comic it's based on because so far I see no similarities outside of the bare bones plot. But I mean, this is just dripping cool, and I'd like to collect those cool drippings into a little cup and dip my steak sandwich into it. That's right. It's AU-JUS COOL.

Pre-Review: THEATER

The Time Traveler's Wife--...the fuck? How is this a geek movie? This is what IMDB calls it: A romantic drama about a Chicago librarian (Bana) with a gene that causes him to involuntarily time travel, and the complications it creates for his marriage. Oh, woooow. Boo fucking hoo. This sounds like the Lake House meets I Couldn't Give Less of A Shit 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Pre-Review: SERIOUSLY?

ALSO--you forgot:

The Happening--this is waaaaaaaaay more of a geek movie than The Time Traveling Somnabulist or whatever. There are many things wrong with M. Night Shamawhozits. For starters, his name is M. Night. And I think he picked that. And then there is the ATROCITY that is "Lady In The Water". I mean--WOW. But he also makes movies about ghosts, aliens, superheroes, and kinda-werewolves, so he's absolutely a Geek Filmmaker. So even though I think this is going to suck, because clearly something in his mind broke when he made "Lady In The Water", I'm going to see this.

Pre-Review: POSSIBLY IN THEATERS, MOST LIKELY ON VIDEO

Get Smart--it's based on a TV show, it's about spies, it stars Steve Carrell, and it actually looks fairly funny. Is it just me?

Pre-Review: THEATER **BONUS: WITH FIANCE**

The Mummy 3: Something About A Dragon--Ok, so the second one was pretty shitty. But the first one is kind of fun, and at least it's a different director this time. Plus, DRAGONS AND MUMMIES! I dunno, I'll give it a shot, at least.

Pre-Review: RENTAL

[alan_noah]

Have we seen the trailers for the same movie here?

Michael Scott: I'm looking for something hot.
Fat Lady in Bakery: We have rolls that just came out.
MS: Something hotter.
FLiB: I already have a boyfriend.
MS: We are not on the same page. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm sorry, I drifted off to sleep just remembering how horrifically unfunny this movie looks.

And you thought Skull was better than Temple? Really? I mean, honestly? Temple has infinitely more ass-kicking, edge of your seat action sequences, better fights, a far superior villain, and a love interest under the age of 100.

[Zombiezeus]

There's nothing wrong with the occasional mildly-amusing-but-not-earth-shatteringly-funny action comedy you can go to with your significant other, and that's what this looks like. Just a night out at the movies.

And yes, I enjoyed Crystal Skull more than Temple. There was some great dad-and-kid banter, some great jokes, and some great action scenes. And I actually fucking understood what the purpose of the macguffin was. In Temple--what were the Sankara stones again? Why were the kids digging for it? Who the hell knows? Also having Marion back is WAY better than having learned-how-to-act-in-community-college fucking whatever her name was anywhere near this movie. AND we didn't have to put up with a nonsensical racial stereotype sidekick.

I gotta say, I'm surprised you didn't defend Clone Wars more. Maybe that's because...you CAN'T!

[alan_noah]

Get Smart does not look to me to be even mildly amusing. Steve Carell has not been in a funny movie since the 40 Year Old Virgin, and that streak looks to continue for another summer at least.

Now, in your first post, you say that Lucas was best when he let other people execute his ideas, citing the original Indiana Jones trilogy as an example. Then you say that Skull was better than Temple. I detect a smattering of contradiction there, ZZ. The Sankara stones were magical rocks handed down from Vishnu. Done. The plot of Temple is infinitely more straightforward than that of Skull. I thought that Indy and Mutt had great chemistry together, but so did Indy and Shorty, and that was the first time we got to see Indy as a father figure. And Kate Capshaw as hot in the 80s. So was Karen Allen, but in Skull, it was like, well, did you ever watch a couple of old people kiss? You know that nauseous feeling it gives you, like "Man, I hope I'm still getting some when I'm in my 70s, but that does NOT mean that I want to watch it now?" The love story in Skull was sort of like that. There was no real love story in Temple, it was just lust, but that's fine. In Skull, not only did we have to watch these geriatrics make-out, but their relationship was completely glossed over.

In your note about the Incredible Hulk, you ask what kind of geek I am, saying that I should run to see a movie where the Hulk sits around and plays tiddlywinks for two hours. I'll pass there. But I WILL run to the multiplex for a midnight showing of Star Wars: (insert any words here). If it was a tale of the forbidden love between Yoda and a Bantha, I'd be there. Lucas isn't as hands on with this as you seem to think, and besides it has Anakin, Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Mace Windu kicking ass. What more do you want? Oh, right, a big green dude that punches stuff.

Let's see, what else. IOt sounds like you missed out on some great TV in The X-Files. If Hancock is too much about redemption, then yeah, that could weigh it down. What makes Pineapple Express a geek movie? It's produced by Judd Apatow, the man behind Freaks and Geeks. If you never watched it, go watch it. Right. Now.

In Wanted, bullets go where you want them to. Oh, you mean like they did in the Matrix? Yeah, I remember that. Shrug. Time Traveler's Wife could very well be lame, that's why it was at the very bottom of my list. Could work as a date movie though. And I totally agree with you about Lady in the Water sucking. In fact, I thought it sucked so much, that I couldn't bring myself to put Mr. What-A-Twist's latest on my list. If it's good, that's great news, but I know that will be a rental down the road for me.

And you'll probably love the Mummy - I hear Crystal Skull was inspired by the other Mummy movies.

[Axertion]

Oh look, a debate on movies. I might as well join seeing as I actually go to almost every movie out (except the ones starring Lindsay Lohan and her followers because honestly, the slutty drunken high look just doesn't turn me on)...

First things first:

Indiana Jones 4 - I have to admit this was my first time watching an Indiana movie and I wasn't disappointed. It did what is was created for, it entertained! Now a day after that I watched the first to movies and yes, I can say the fourth may have been filled with a little bit of "todays" crap such as the ridiculous monkies, but who cares? It was fun, left you wondering whats coming next ect. Besides, Indiana never fell into the category of realism.

Review: 8.5/10

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The Dark Knight - This is one of the movies I have been waiting to see forever. If this is as good as Batman Begins if not better, I will be satisfied! I think they have a great plot to work with, it will most likely be one of my favorite movies of this year.

Pre-Review: THEATER

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X-Files 2: I Want To Care. - X-files never appealed to me....

Pre-Review: DON'T CARE

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Hancock - why? because Will Smith's last few movies were amazing. And besides that, who wouldn't want to see a drunken "I don't give a crap" superhero. And the scene where he is in prison and "he knows" he could whoop anyone. I don't know, it looks great to me. Will Smith has the ability to make a movie good, I'm sure it won't disappoint.

Pre-Review: Theater

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Tropic Thunder - The trailer of Ben Stiller taking a round of 50 cal. helicopter ammunition was fairly good. It look like one of those Comedies which base their humor on stupidity. I think it will be worth seeing if nothing else is showing that trumps it

Pre-Review: THEATER (unless there is something better out)

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Hellboy 2 - Well I don't read the comment so I'm not exactly a huge fan. But the Hellboy 1 was okay for me. He's a demon that is on the good side. I get it. But the trailer where the characters says something like "Don't call me babe" and HB replies "I meant, hey". It just sounds corny. I watched the last one on my Showtime subscription, I think I can live without seeing this one also.

Pre-Review: RENTAL

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Pineapple Express -I'm not sure how many ways they can make a comedy based of "being high", but it seems to be a huge plot maker. Most likely due to the fact that high people probably do the crazy crap anyways. I'm with ZZ on this, I might see it because it looks decent, but it's not on my top list.

Pre-Review: MOST LIKELY THEATER, BUT NOT A PRIORITY

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Wall-E: First time I saw the trailer I was wondering wtf I just watched. After several other trailers this movies looks like it might be really good. Pixar usually pulls through with the perfect combination of humor and entertainment that makes a good movie. I usually avoid Disney movies in the theaters because I don't really like the stupid channel they air, but I might actually see this one in theaters. If not, a definite rental :)

Pre-Review: THEATER or DEFINITE RENTAL

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The Incredible Hulk - No one can say the first Hulk was amazing, don't care how big a fan you are. How many times did he fight? I remember 3. It was lacking a lot. It looks like the new Hulk might be a little better. I hope it brings us something more than the first lol.

Pre-Review: THEATER (but not a priority)

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Wanted - Yes its a movie about people shooting at things in cool stylish ways. But it looks decent. I'm not a huge fan of Jolie but I'll see this regardless. I like action and it appears to have a lot of that.

Pre-Review: THEATER

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The Time Traveler's Wife--...the who's wife?

Pre-Review: WTF?

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Get Smart - Looks pretty funny but reminds me of the not to old "Johnny English" in which Rowan Atkinson or "Mr. Bean" starred in. I'm hoping the movie lives up to the trailers and isn't one of those disasters that only show the "good" parts in the trailer.

Pre-Review: THEATER (But not a priority)

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The Mummy 3: Something About A Dragon - I saw the first two, what more can they do? Haven't they learned there lesson already? Oh well, I'll rent it, just like I did the other ones :)

Pre-Review: RENTAL

I'm not a professional reviewer but I just want to note this is the most I've ever written in a forum. These are just my opinions. I tend to only like what I like and nothing else. Then again, who isn't like that nowadays? :D

Continue...

[Zombiezeus]

Dr. Noah: I do point out that I the original Jones trilogy is a high point, but I am careful to note earlier that Temple is not held in as-high esteem. I simply chose not to repeat myself, as I figured readers were deftly able to remember what they read mere moments ago. I see now, in one case at least, I was mistaken. Reading, as they say, is fundamental.

Also--Indy had great chemistry with Short Round? Really? Because it looked to me more like he was annoyed that he was saddled with this tacked-on character that he somehow justified being his getaway driver in the first place. That's not chemistry, that's regret. Kate Capshaw was easy on the eyes, sure, but that a strong character does not make. And I thought the relationship between Indy and Marion was handled JUST fine; it's not integral to the story, but it does have bearing, and they focused on it just enough. And I wasn't thinking about how old they were, I was thinking it's great to see two people who love each other be with the people they were meant to be with. But I guess that's just because I have a soul, unlike, of course, yourself.

And on the Hulk: ok, it's clear that you're some strange form of psuedo-geek that only adores Star Wars and Nintendo, and doesn't give enough of a chance to anything else. Which is why, naturally, my Geek Fu is stronger than yours. But we'll get to that. And I think Lucas is more involved than he is? Really? Was I hallucinating that press conference appearance with him and two stormtroopers where he was touting Clone Wars? He's involved enough to make sure his shit ideas get smeared all over everything.

And as far as Wanted being like The Matrix--are you complaining that the awesome action in the first Matrix is going to be replicated? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, as long as it's original enough in its execution. There's a reason the Matrix kicked so much ass and is so beloved; the concepts behind the visuals are flawless. And that's what the Wanted movie has going for it; a loose excuse to have people do incredible things in the name of kick-ass cinematic action. And that's enough of an excuse for me. What's not to like?

And don't take cheap shots at Indy like that--you're hurting your own review of Indy 4. You think the Mummy movies are better than ANY Indy movie? Really?

Axertion: I'm actually fascinated by your take on Hellboy, because I'm a huge Hellboy fan and have been since he first appeared in comics. So it's intriguing to hear that, according to the movies, his whole schtick is that he's a demon that works for the good guys. And yeah, some of the lines are corny. Perhaps I'm just blinded by my pre-existing Hellboy crush. Hmm. I need to re-examine this one. Well played, Axertion. Well played.

[alan_noah]

We can agree that Temple is the least amazing of the first Indy films, but to me, saying that Skull is better than Temple makes my head ache. Skull was better than a lot of other crappy movies made, and yes, better than the Mummy movies, I was just making a point there. My point? Skull more closely resembles a movie like The Mummy than it does one of the original Indy movies. Big shoes to fill? Damn right. But if you're going to revive a long dormant franchise, you better be bringing your big guns to town.

As for Hulk vs Star Wars, well, I guess that's just a matter of personal preference. The Incredible Hulk might be great, but after first seeing the trailer, I just short of shrugged. Mutant dude hits stuff. Got it. Sure, the franchise is totally due for a kick-ass movie, and if this turns out to be it, well then, that's great news. The Clone Wars on the other hand looks like mind-blowing animation, and the fact that Lucas and co. have invested so much into giving Star Wars life beyond the 6 episodes has me super excited. Am I more optimistic about Star Wars than I am about the Hulk? Yup. But that doesn't mean my Geek Fu wouldn't totally kick your Geek Fu's ass. Whatever that means.

Wanted looks very similar to the Matrix, and yeah, that is a bad thing if its just regurgitating cool visuals. I guess I just like a little more story to go with my summer blockbusters. Especially in a summer like this, with so many movies chock full of potential.

[KanjiGear]

Alan and I had a long sit down convo about this at the Mets game last night before the Tornado struck.

The Incredible Hulk - As far as I can tell there is only ONE thing this movie has going for it that makes me semi-interested: Edward Norton. Still, no matter how good his Acting (yes with a capital A) is, the movie has almost no shot of impressing me.

Here is why: I don't think the Hulk translates well to a movie. Maybe this is just me but my favorite comics that contained the hulk as a kid were the "What If" marvel series that had "What if the Hulk had killed Wolverine?" and then the very next issue was "What if Wolverine had killed the Hulk"?

I also remembered the Hulk going from green to gray which at least left him more intelligent and I remember liking that more than the brutish green version. I went to Marvel.com and did a search to see if I could pinpoint when that happened and found a history of the hulk at http://www.marvel.com/universe/Hulk_(Bruce_Banner). Holy God! Read that page and tell me that that interests you at all. I mean, I get the whole allegory for a man feeling out of control in a rage but I guess the series just doesn't do it for me.

That actually brings up another good point. I thought that Ang Lee's hulk was well done. I think the reason it sucked was that it was about the Hulk.

The Hulk ride down in Orlando though? Killer.

Dark Knight - No brainer. I'm gonna try to not see this one at the drive-in this year though because of how darkly it is filmed. Batman Begins was pretty washed out with even limited light and when I saw it again it was like seeing a completely different movie.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars - Do I want to see this? I guess. I'm worried though. I don't necessarily want to give Lucas any more money but I might. If I can see this at midnight with my friends then I would be a lot more pumped.

Hellboy 2 - I still haven't seen Hellboy so I doubt I'll see this one in the theater. I mean, I love Ron Perlman and Guillermo del Toro so it would make sense that I see both at some point.

Tropic Thunder - I'm totally there.

Indy 4 - I wanted to see this until I spoke with Al. Now I only kinda wanna see it. Hopefully I'll go in with such low expectations that it will pleasantly surprise me. My mom also wants to see this pretty badly so even if I didn't want to see it at all, I would still have to take her.

Hancock - Maybe I didn't see a new trailer or read enough reviews about this but the setup reminds me of The Incredibles. Superhero goes around and tries to help but, this being the "real" world, there is significant collateral damage and people care and turn against the hero. I'm not saying I'm not interested in seeing this (I imagine the two stories deviate from there) but I was really impressed with that setup in The Incredibles as it was something that I had never considered and now that it was presented to me made absolute sense.

Pineapple Express - I will definitely see this. That is if I can remember ;-)

Wanted - Snooze. Really? Yes. I cannot abide by a movie that has people throwing curveball bullets because they are just that good with a gun no matter how hot one of the protagonists may or may not be. I loved loved LOVED the Matrix but what was great about that was the setting. The scene with Morpheus and Neo in the training room has Morpheus say, "There are rules but some can be bent, some can be broken" and this sets the tone for the rest of the movie. By making the setting a virtual world where the rules can be bent or broken it allows you to suspend your disbelief. Similarly, superhero movies allow you to suspend your disbelief because they are not subject to the same rules as a regular human. When executed poorly, i.e. it becomes too difficult to suspend disbelief, a movie loses its ability to draw the viewer in. Wanted is like that for me. Another great example? Batman and Robin. Sure thing Mr. Shumacher...have them fall from 30,000 ft and then skate down some ice. That movie lost me right there and that was maybe five minutes into it and I was a teenager.

Get Smart - I have not yet been able to pinpoint why it is that I absolutely adore some patently ridiculous comedies (e.g. Anchorman, Ace Ventura, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Naked Gun 1, etc) and find others to be anathema. I do have a sort of radar about me though and this is setting off the anathema alarm. I wish I could give a better answer but I cannot.

Mummy 3 - I doubt I'll see this in the theater as my fiancee typically detests action movies but the first one was great, the second one was very good (with the exception of the horribly rendered Scorpion King) and I like Brendan Fraser.

Dom